April 2008
1 post
2 tags
A Giant Cuddly Bear in the Sack
A big game hunter, a trust buster and one of our greatest Presidents, this mand used his “Big Stick” to change the world. All he wanted to do was stuff and mount some ladies… You’ve seen my face on Mount Rushmore, but wait till you see my face when I mount you. I’d like to finish plowing your canal. I think the nickname Rough Rider pretty much explains it all. The...
March 2008
2 posts
He Wants to Get Physical, Physical!
Not so historical, but given the test of time, someday youths will be reading all about his role as a Governor. Brick Hardmeat, Rock Squatthrust, Max Pushsteel, Steel McIronside. Whatever name you choose to call him, he remains the Governor of Gettin’ Some… Pumping iron’s just a hobby. I’d rather be pumping your derrière. I was in Commando, but if you get to know me,...
2 tags
It's St. Swig McDrinkhard's Day!
In honor of St. Patty’s Day, here’s the Irish version of Cupid…St Patrick, The Saint of Sinning… I’m so Irish, even my jizz is green. You don’t need a four-leaf clover to get lucky with me. Do you have a little Irish in you? Would you like some? May I dip my finger in your pot of gold? I might be as tall as a leperchaun, but I’m hung like a unicorn....
February 2008
3 posts
2 tags
A vert skater who wants to get horizontal with...
He invented over 80 tricks and only 4 of those weren’t meant for the bedroom. He’s the Skater of Sin… Tony Hawk’s real “Proving Ground” is my four-poster bed. “The 900” is also the number of orgasms I give girls in a day. I retired from vert skating so that I could get horizontal with you. Just because I invented the Stale Fish, doesn’t...
2 tags
He'll Animate Your Body
He’s not cyrogenically frozen, but he was always stiff. He kept every girl he knew until Tomorrow Land and always gave them an Adventure Land. here he is, the Animator of Ass… Trust me. When I slip you my Mickey, it won’t be a roofie. I’d love for you to Steamboat my Willie. I promise that when you’re in bed with me, you’ll never be a Sleeping Beauty. My last girlfriend called me...
2 tags
The Man of Steel
Stalin was a butcher and an SOB. He’s famous for saying, “A single virgin deflowered is a tragedy, a million is what I call a good week.” He’d put your grendel in a Gulag… Communism means those breasts are our breasts. And by “those” I mean yours and by “our” I mean mine. Do you want to beat my Nazi soldier? Stalin means “made of steel”. I didn’t get the nickname...
January 2008
12 posts
2 tags
Stomping Goombas and Knocking Boots
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. My new job keeps me pretty busy so updates will be infrequent. But, here you go. The Bane of Bowser, he’s the Warp King of Woo… I may only be 8-bits, but I know how to use ‘em! You don’t need to feed me mushrooms to make me bigger. I hope the “princess” is in your castle. Guess what I shoot when I eat your flower… Why don’t you...
2 tags
In honor of MLK Jr day I wrote up some pickup lines for him. Tumblr was having some problems so they’re getting posted a little late, but you get the idea. Here he is the Boycotter of Bad Vage… I have a dream, that one day you and I will cum together in sexual harmony. I want you to boycott all dicks but mine. Would you like to be baptized with my “holy water”? I won’t...
2 tags
A Dynamic Duo of Dick
They’re masters of illusion in Vegas, but they’re big pimps worldwide. A Tag Team of Tumescence… We have the tigers in the show, ya, but Roy and I are the tigers in the bed! Beauty is an illusion, my penis is not. Everyone says being with me is magical, but in reality, it’s mystical too. Would you like to see my wand shoot sparks? I want to maul YOU. We would love to work on...
2 tags
A penny for your thoughts but a nickel for his...
He wrote the Declaration of Independence, but he spent most his time declaring his love for the ladies. The Master of Mounting… I might be the third President, but I’ll be your number one lover. I believe in the separation of church and state and the separation of you and clothes. I’ve commissioned Lewis and Clark to explore what’s over your mountains and in your bush. I hold...
2 tags
He wrote symphonies for his organ
A name I already mentioned served up fresh after a few days off for the weekend. AKA, the Orchestrator of Orgasms, I give you Joannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.. My name isn’t the longest thing about me. Everyone remembers my 600 compositions, but no one recalls the 10,000 women I banged. The piano is a string instrument, but I prefer if you play my wind instrument and blow me....
He was only passive in his resistance
As promised, the first of many more new historical figures. That’s right kids. Today’s player of the day is none other than Gandhi. When he wasn’t fasting for a hunger-strike you could find him feasting on the ladies. The Godfather of the G-spot… Not swallowing is a form of civil disobedience. In India, they honor me as the Father of Our Nation…because of my legendary...
The Holy Trinity doesn't count as a...
Another old list, but in fact the first pickup lines I ever wrote for a historical figure. Mom sure was proud. I wrote these for Christmas, but I think you can enjoy them year round because really, Jesus is with us…always. Here he is the Savior of Sex…He died for your penis… If I told you my bed was shaped like a cross would you nail me? I died for your sins, but I’d...
Unlike lightning, he will come in the same place...
A new one for a new day. Enjoy Ben Franklin’s failed pickup lines. He’s the Founding Father of Foreplay… You look like the type of gal who costs about three Franklins an hour. Feel that spark? I invented that. I call it…sexual attraction. Not only am I polymath, I’m also polysexual. Rawr! As a Founding Father my greatest find is your incredible rack. Yes, I am proud of...
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Go tell it on the mountain
Again, I know I’ve posted this one elsewhere, but since I’m trying to update everyday, I’m busy stockpiling the new ones for days when I don’t have time to think of ten pickup lines for Mozart. So, here’s Moses, doing some Squirtin’ on the Mount… Can I hose down your burning bush? The 11th Commandment was ‘Thou shalt swallow’. I’ve...
2 tags
The Reich line will get you any girl
I know I’ve posted this elsewhere, but in keeping with the spirit of this blog (and giving myself more time for new entries) I’m reposting this and a few others so that they’re all in the same place. Lucky you. And now, I give you, The De-Virginizer of Vienna… I’m not Mr. Reich, but I am Mr. Reich now. Rape you if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name...
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Abe Lincoln
Born in a log cabin in Illy-Illinois, as soon as he doffed a top hat, he got down to straight pimping. Without further ado, here’s Abe Lincoln’s failed pickup lines. I need you to reject me like I need a hole in my head. Why don’t I emancipate you from the bonds of your clothes? Do you have room for my log in your cabin? You’ll never want to secede from our union. I’ve wanted to...
Point and Purpose
Lately, when I get bored I make lists of failed pickup lines by famous historical figures. I’ve now decided to make this the full purpose of this blog. I’ll try to update regularly with new lists from historical figures and if anyone wants to give me requests for historical figures they’d like to see, I’ll try to work on those and throw them on here. I have posted some...